Main DishMeat - Pork

Reckless Ham

reckless-ham-story

Recipe adapted from "Holy Cow, What a Ham", a set of short video memoirs created by Babe Bacon shortly before he went missing.

Ingredients

  • 3 hams (1 reckless)
  • 2 gallons slop
  • 1 feeding trough
  • 3 humble homes (preferably 1 each of straw, wood, and brick)
  • 1 large wolf (toughened)

Cook Time: 10 minutes
Total Time: 10 minutes

Yield: A devious sense of humor

Instructions

  1. Have you ever witnessed a twister rolling down the plains of America's bread basket? Well if you're like me, you know the raw power of wind firsthand. You see, I live in a small farming town in the Midwest of the United States. Families keep together in these parts, so naturally I live on the same street as my brother and sister and their families. It's nice to live so close to Kevin and Chris, since we all tend the Bacon family farm.
  2. However, sometimes it's hard for us to catch a break during the windy season. Do you think I meant literal twisters? No way! Not tornadoes. Around here, we get seasonal wolf migration, and that means a LOT of houses getting huffed and puffed on.
  3. Last year, Kevin's house got blown down. A brand new tiny home made to let the outdoors in. Of course, the whole thing was only using straw as the joists to save costs, so I don't know what he was expecting come wolf season. Still, money's tight around here, and he was just doing the best he could for his wife and 18 piglets.
  4. And it was only this year that the house where I grew up got blown to pieces. Chris and her fiance had just moved back home to take over the farm, too. We thought that wood-framed house would hold, but natural disasters have been getting worse and worse over the years.
  5. Now, my house is made of strong brick, so it's been impervious to wolf attacks since it was built. That's lucky for them too, because after my two dear siblings were attacked, I got state-of-the-art wolf deterrent. In fact, I can hear my alarms going off now. Must have been an attack! Let's see what happened.
  6. I'm walking down to the front yard now. Opening the door. OH MY G**, what have I done! NO! NO! There's no way this was my fault. This wolf had it coming to him. You don't mess with the Bacon family.